Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you and I had devised a deal that would make us a lot of money at the expense of someone else. We would, of course, never do such a thing, but let us pretend. This being the 21st century, we would, naturally, communicate about this deal via email. We would be honest about the deal in these emails, because we like to think that there is such a thing as privacy anymore. Pretend also that we were brought before Congress for a stern talking-to for the deal, and that these emails were brought out and used against us. Quoted verbatim, even, profanity included. Imagine we were sued over this deal and forced to pay a fine that is larger than the GDP of seven countries.

What lesson might you or I be expected to take away from this? Would it be the lesson that, despite recent years, we would no longer be allowed completely free reign to do as we pleased in pursuit of the almighty dollar? Would it be that we should practice discretion in our communication, saying nothing privately via written record that we would not want made public? Might we even pause to re-evaluate our lives and our place in the world, concluding that there is such a thing as enough money, and scaling back our operations to allow others more in need to share in our riches? Yes, we might do some or all of those things. But neither of us is Goldman Sachs, who would never do any of those things. They would, instead, react by banning profanity in company email.

The New York company is telling employees that they will no longer be able to get away with profanity in electronic messages. That means all 34,000 traders, investment bankers and other Goldman employees must restrain themselves from using a vast vocabulary of oft-used dirty words on Wall Street, including the six-letter expletive that came back to haunt the company at a Senate hearing in April.

In the hypothetical future, we would instead refer to a “gosh-darn deal that stinks like a skunk in a sauna” which more than makes up with imagery what it lacks in conciseness. Besides, we couldn’t use “s****y” anyway.

Mr. Montag, who couldn’t be reached for comment, wouldn’t be allowed to send that email under Goldman’s sanitized communications policy, which is being enforced by screening software. Even swear words spelled with asterisks are out.

Don’t think you can get your Carlin on just by jumping to another bank, either. $JPM, $MS, and $C also have similar policies. Really, if you can’t control yourself, your only option may be the Navy. Except maybe not even there, either.

If anyone should come across a list of banned words, please do the right thing and forward it to us.