This story just writes itself. A Disney executive assistant found out she might be able to make herself a copy of the Disney quarterly earnings report, so she and her boyfriend sent out a mass mailing to every hedge fund whose address they could find on the Google:

Hi, I have access to Disney’s (DIS) quarterly earnings report before its release on 05/03/10 [sic]. I am willing to share this information for a fee that we can determine later. I am sorry but I can’t disclose my identity for confidentiality reasons but we can correspond by email if you would like to discuss it. My email is eilatcap@gmail.com. I count on your discretion as you can count on mine. Thank you and I look forward to talking to you.

Multiple hedge funds turned them in, knowing that this kind of information is only useful when it comes from a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy and the meetup is arranged in a smoky bar somewhere, or perhaps a back room. Investigators proceeded to engage “Jonathan Cyrus” in discussions, and the half-assed scheme unraveled:

In a pair of complaints filed Wednesday, federal authorities said the letter and subsequent emails were sent by Yonni Sebbag, whose girlfriend Bonnie Hoxie was an assistant to Disney’s head of corporate communications.

The March 5 form letter was sent to 33 investment companies, according to a criminal complaint filed by the U.S. Attorney’s office in Manhattan federal court charging the two with conspiracy and wire fraud. Undercover agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigation began corresponding with Mr. Sebbag, who used the pseudonym “Jonathan Cyrus” in the email exchanges, according to the complaint.

Our conspirators, via Gawker:

So what was their motivation? The asking price given by Sebbag was between 15 and 20 grand, and that’s hardly enough to skip the country and retire on. So were they buried under medical bills? Behind on their mortgage? No.

On the day of the earnings release, Ms. Hoxie sent Mr. Sebbag an email stating “here is the bag that you are going to get for me,” the SEC said in a companion civil complaint filed in New York federal court. It said the email included a link to “a picture of an expensive Stella McCartney designer handbag available for $700 at Neiman Marcus.”

Mr. Sebbag allegedly replied that he would get her the bag “next week” and added, “I may be able to (buy) u 2 of them.” To which she purportedly emailed back, “In that case, I also love love these shoes,” and attached a link to a photo of Stella McCartney shoes at Neiman.

On May 22, a “Bj Hoxie,” who appeared to be the same Bonnie Hoxie, posted a Facebook update that said, “I go shopping shopping shopping!!”

So… she did it for handbags and shoes. I shouldn’t hate, because regular readers know that LoLo, Esq., and I have serious handbag and shoe habits, but we’re more about taking advantage of Stephen Sadove’s 70% off sales that he’s so in denial about, not leaking reports from $SKS. Not sure what the guy’s motivation was other than greed, but this should be a lesson for all the ladies: If your boyfriend asks you to steal from your employer and your cut is going to be a handbag and purse worth about 10% of the net — bad deal, for reals, okay?