The Epicurean Dealmaker tipped me off earlier this week to the impending nadir of Western civilization, which will arrive in the middle of the afternoon tomorrow. Hope you’re ready (we’ll be having cookies at my office to celebrate, though we’ll be telling my coworker JW that it’s for his birthday):

An international panel of leading anthropologists, cultural critics, biologists, and social theorists announced this week that Western civilization will reach its lowest conceivable point at 3:32 p.m. Friday.

“From the prehistoric Lascaux cave paintings to the stirring symphonies of Mozart to today’s hot-dog eating competitions and action films with comical gerbils, culture has descended into a festering pool of mass ignorance,” said Yale sociologist Paul Riordan, who has spent his career analyzing western civilization’s fall into the depths of depravity. “If our calculations are correct, this complete erosion of all that is enlightened and unique will reach absolute rock bottom on the afternoon of Sept. 25, 2009.”

Added Riordan, “It is scientifically impossible for civilization to sink any lower than it will this Friday.”

Really excited for it. Anybody got a pink Razr cellphone I can borrow to take some photos?

More:

- Zeitgeist: It seems that for most people, when Gmail is down the world grinds to a halt. Pro tip, if you go to iGoogle, you can still get into your email and, for most people, also your gChat. Of course, the fact that Gmail is dead is probably another sign of impending doom on Nadir Friday.

- Coffee with Dave today hit the nail on the head re: the FOMC statement. Economy turning up, no inflation, Fed on hold? Sure sounds like it (for now…), but even if it’s true for-realsies, the market is priced for it and then some.

- And as promised, here’s Jimmay, super excited that the Fed won’t narrow its arsenal in preparation for Nadir Friday:
“Would you like to see the words that all the noise is about:The Fed, following a two-day policy meeting, changed the wording in the final paragraph of its statement to say it will continue to employ a “wide range of tools” to bolster the economy. In its August statement, it said it would use “all available” tools.”

- Captain Obvious: Credit quality declines!

- Home sales start doing what we expect them to do, namely, declining again. Anyone expecting Sept or Oct numbers to be “saved by the bell” by a last-minute rush to get the $8,000 first time buyer tax credit that expires in Nov? Yeah, me either.

- Who’s overextended? The middle class. Check the chart in the comments as well. Leverage: helping you keep up with the Joneses since, well, the invention of the credit card and home equity loan.

- TRB has a suggestion for recent Goldman bonus recipients.

- And finally, who expected US Airways to make a contribution to class warfare? (Certainly not me or LoLo.) Next time you’re in cattle class and lamenting that they won’t even hook you up with the free pretzels any more, try not to think about the dude in front of you in the Envoy suite.