We’ve been saying for like six months that SPAM is the go-to commodity in times of fail, and sure enough, Hormel just posted a 6% increase in first-quarter sales. If you’re wondering what else is flying off the shelves (yes, a few things actually are), AP is out with a report this weekend, which we’ll dissect.

AP says we’re packing our carts with:

- SPAM, as discussed above.

- Macaroni and cheese, because SPAM can’t go it alone.

- Laxatives and stomach remedies, to help cope with all that SPAM and macaroni-and-cheese indigestion and constipation.

- Running shoes and fishing gear. Sporting goods are the kind of things where the initial outlay of $ can keep you amused for months, provided the item doesn’t end up collecting dust in your closet somewhere.

- Gold coins, a nice shiny hedge against inflation.

- Gardening seeds. Peek over your fence, and you’ll probably find the yuppies next door scratching in the dirt, talking about TEOTWAWKI or at least about “radical self-reliance,” attempting to turn their plot of suburbia into arable land. Well, okay, probably not. They’ve probably just gone out and gotten themselves an Aerogarden.

- Guns. Must protect the gold coins and Aerogarden.

- Booze. It’s cheaper to drink it at home than at the bar, and we still need SOMETHING to cry in.

- Condoms and match.com memberships. Hey, I just explained that no one is going to the bar.

- Self-tanner. Angelo Mozilo idolatry at work? Nah, probably just trying to get your date to like you, and there’s no way you can afford to get to the beach. Hey, your date might like the chocolate that made the list, too.

This is your life, America.

Now, if you’ll pardon me, I’ve gotta go pour some cheap beer out on my doorstep for Dow 14,000.