MF Global CEO (and former Goldman Sachs CEO, and former New Jersey CEO) Jon Corzine resigned this morning, which is what you do when your company goes bankrupt. Oh, MF Global went bankrupt earlier this week. We hope you’re getting your breaking financial news from sites that update every day.

Anyway, MF Global found itself in financial hot water after investing a few billion dollars in European sovereign debt, which sounds like a good idea if you’re not the kind of person that keeps up with current events. And not even sweet debt like Germany’s, either. They were heavily (read: leveraged over 80:1) long Portuguese, Italian, Irish, and Spanish debt. You could argue they PIIS-ed their money away.

Except, here’s the thing, it wasn’t all their own money they were PIIS-ing away. You know how most firms have a thing where they don’t use customer money for in-house trading? I think that thing is called a “law” or something. Anyway, MF Global supposedly did not have that thing, and may have somehow managed to misplace a solid $600 million in customer money. So they’ve got that going for them. Also, the SEC is investigating some of MF Global’s traders for insider trading on the firm’s bonds just prior to its downgrade to junk status, but we feel like that’s just dogpiling at this point.

Apparently the whole “might have lost hundreds of millions of customer monies in a stupid gamble that was also illegal” business scared away everyone who might have bought MF Global, so it’s good to see there is still some sense left on Wall Street.

Also, it’s worth noting that Corzine was on everyone’s shortlist for Treasury Secretary as recently as August, so if that doesn’t make you want to hug Timmay, nothing will.

In a story we would like to see more of, Warren and Maureen Nyerges, a couple of Florida homeowners, tried to repossess a local Bank of America.

The foreclosure nightmare started when Warren and Maureen Nyerges paid cash for a home owned by Bank of American in the Golden Gate Estates. They never had a mortgage whatsoever. But, the bank fouled it up and wound up issuing a foreclosure through their attorney.

That sounds like the kind of thing that could happen to anyone, honestly: you buy your home in cash, the bank thinks that not having a mortgage is un-American, and decides to foreclose on your home when you fail to make payments on a mortgage you do not have. Really, we’re almost on Bank of America’s side here. Where do these people get off, owning their home outright?

So anyway, the couple decides that they want to keep the home they have bought and paid for, and take BoA to court over this. Since it’s such an open-and-shut case (here’s the deed, your honor, with our name on it and nothing on the lienholder line), it only took eighteen months to settle. In that year and a half, our intrepid heroes racked up some legal fees, which Bank of America was ordered to pay.

You might have guessed where this went: BoA didn’t pay. For five months. So, since one has a lot of free time on one’s hands when one doesn’t have a mortgage to pay, the Nyerges called their attorney, who showed up at the local bank branch with a couple of deputies and some moving trucks, where they proceeded to seize the bank’s assets – much as the bank would do to a homeowner if the homeowner was months behind on his mortgage. And we do mean all of the bank’s assets.

“I instructed the deputy to go in and take desks, computers, copiers, filing cabinets, including cash in the drawers,” Attorney Todd Allen told WINK News.

Sadly, cooler heads ultimately prevailed and the Nyerges did not wind up with free desks, computers, copiers, filing cabinets, and cash from the drawers. The branch manager wrote the couple a check for the settlement amount (plus, we hope, the cost of renting two moving trucks for a day) and everyone went home with a little less faith in our banking system.

The branch manager blamed the error on an attorney who was no longer in business, an excuse we’re a little hesitant to buy. How can a foreclosure attorney go out of business in 2011?

So as it happens, during hearings before a Senate panel last year, Goldman’s Lloyd Blankfein might have lied a little (a lot) about his firm’s position in the mortgage market. We know, we should have asked you to sit down before reading this shocking news. Trust us, we were every bit as surprised (none) as you were. But, and you should sit down for this, there’s an outside chance Lloyd may face perjury charges because of it. Sure, this is a little like Al Capone going to prison for tax evasion, or a lot like it depending on your personal opinion on the $GS CEO, but beggars can’t always be choosers.

Almost a year ago, during the hearings starring trader Fab Tourre, Blankfein strolled in with a prepared statement in which, naturally, he explained in long and detailed terms just how they’re just a simple bank trying to make their way in the world and no way would they ever do anything shady because that’s not the American way. The key snippet is:

The fact is we were not consistently or significantly net “short the market” in residential mortgage-related products in 2007 and 2008. Our performance in our residential mortgage-related business confirms this.

After putting your tax dollars to work for the past couple of years, the subcomittee has decided that this statement is true, on opposite day. The 639-page (tl;dr) report names other institutions, such as all of them, but Goldman gets the most attention because let’s face it, everybody’s a hater. It’s like when you saw those pictures of Ke$ha in a bikini and you felt better because that girl is shaped WEIRD.

Goldman, for its part, has released a statement saying it fundamentally disagrees with the panel’s findings. This, coincidentally, is my favorite defense: no, you can’t our own words as proof that we were doing anything wrong just because we said we were doing exactly what you accuse us of doing. Despite not doing anything wrong, Goldman has agreed to change the way it does business, but that’s not an admission of guilt or anything.

“We recently issued the results of a comprehensive examination of our business standards and practices and committed to making significant changes that will strengthen relationships with clients, improve transparency and disclosure and enhance standards for the review, approval and suitability of complex instruments.”

Honestly, the odds of Lloyd actually seeing the inside of San Quentin (or, more likely, Englewood, but we can dream) are slimmer than a runway model.  But just the thought that we might collectively get our pound of flesh is just so darn thrilling. Why, if a banker goes to prison for this, our homes will recover their values, the unemployed will find jobs again, business will re-open, and all the damage will be undone. So it’s something to get excited about.

Depending on what you read, Julian Assange – otherwise known as the man accused of having unprotected sex with Wikileaks (or something, I’m not a detail guy) – may or may not be sitting on enough explosive information about Bank of America to cause resignations of top executives.

The media has been going haywire thinking Assange confirmed as much in an interview with the Times of London on Tuesday, except he didn’t. The Times hides its articles behind a paywall, and come ON who is going to pay for news on the internet, so a free recap by the AFP news service which came along yesterday that said he did confirm it became the story, even though it’s sort of made up. So let that be a lesson to all you newspaper magnates about paywalls: they’re stupid.

Wikileaks does have a five-gig email dump from Bank of America, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s who he was talking about on Tuesday.

Of course, we here at LOLFed are never going to let facts get in the way of a story, so we’re going to do what we do best: reckless speculation. Considering the banality of most of the Cablegate leaks, here are a few equally ordinary fake revelations from the upcoming Bankgate.

• Bryan Moynihan is actually a Kaufman-esque character created by SNL’s Bobby Moynihan that got out of control, and is only still CEO because no one at SNL knows how to end a skit
• BoA execs must be rough on their keyboards because the letter “O” never seems to work in emails regarding Countrywide
• Ken Lewis called Bandit a “puppy-f***ing doodyhead” for not coming to his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese
• A plan to drive over and moon Wachovia after its acquisition by Wells Fargo had to be scuttled when someone noticed College St. is one-way through Uptown Charlotte
• Also, no one at BoA can actually spell “Wachovia”
• Everyone really wishes Fox Sports would stop saying “Bank of America Stadium” until the Panthers are not 2-12 anymore
• Johnny 5 of “Short Circuit” fame is employed as a robosigner, but after a couple of years in that position, Number 5 is no longer alive and is, in fact, quite dead inside

By all means, chime in with your own “leaks” in the comments. With any luck, they’ll be picked up by the news media and reported as facts too.