Depending on what you read, Julian Assange – otherwise known as the man accused of having unprotected sex with Wikileaks (or something, I’m not a detail guy) – may or may not be sitting on enough explosive information about Bank of America to cause resignations of top executives.

The media has been going haywire thinking Assange confirmed as much in an interview with the Times of London on Tuesday, except he didn’t. The Times hides its articles behind a paywall, and come ON who is going to pay for news on the internet, so a free recap by the AFP news service which came along yesterday that said he did confirm it became the story, even though it’s sort of made up. So let that be a lesson to all you newspaper magnates about paywalls: they’re stupid.

Wikileaks does have a five-gig email dump from Bank of America, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s who he was talking about on Tuesday.

Of course, we here at LOLFed are never going to let facts get in the way of a story, so we’re going to do what we do best: reckless speculation. Considering the banality of most of the Cablegate leaks, here are a few equally ordinary fake revelations from the upcoming Bankgate.

• Bryan Moynihan is actually a Kaufman-esque character created by SNL’s Bobby Moynihan that got out of control, and is only still CEO because no one at SNL knows how to end a skit
• BoA execs must be rough on their keyboards because the letter “O” never seems to work in emails regarding Countrywide
• Ken Lewis called Bandit a “puppy-f***ing doodyhead” for not coming to his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese
• A plan to drive over and moon Wachovia after its acquisition by Wells Fargo had to be scuttled when someone noticed College St. is one-way through Uptown Charlotte
• Also, no one at BoA can actually spell “Wachovia”
• Everyone really wishes Fox Sports would stop saying “Bank of America Stadium” until the Panthers are not 2-12 anymore
• Johnny 5 of “Short Circuit” fame is employed as a robosigner, but after a couple of years in that position, Number 5 is no longer alive and is, in fact, quite dead inside

By all means, chime in with your own “leaks” in the comments. With any luck, they’ll be picked up by the news media and reported as facts too.