…only outlaws will eat Doritos. I am an outlaw, LoLo, Esq., is an outlaw, and pretty sure Jason would be an outlaw, too. You’ll find us huddled behind a building somewhere next to an oil can, with orange fingers and corn chips stuck to our faces.

I exaggerate, but these could be the first steps, carefully couched in “what about the children?” lingo. The gov’mint – which, by injecting itself into health care, now has a multitude of rea$on$ to show an interest in our health – has noticed that children are getting fatter, and instead of blaming their parents, who assuredly had nothing to do with the procurement of the soda, sugary cereal, and chips in the pantry or the scattering of McDonald’s bags in the floorboard of the minivan, blames food marketing:

The task force wants junk food makers and marketers to go on what amounts to an advertising diet. It says media characters that are often popular with kids should only be used to promote healthy products. If voluntary efforts fail to limit marketing of less healthy products to young viewers, the task force suggests the FCC should consider new rules on commercials in children’s programming. It also challenges food retailers to stop using in-store displays to sell unhealthy food items to children.

Those would be noble efforts on the part of the food manufacturers, to be sure. Did any of you read In Defense Of Food? The author pretty much said, if they advertise it, it isn’t good for you. I mean, duh. I can say with confidence that you will probably never turn on a television to kids’ programming and see Justin Bieber, in a leotard, singing an “OMG APPLES” jingle. (Nor do I wish to live in that kind of world.)

The report moves on to make suggestions that would be “helpful” for all of us, like restaurants offering smaller portions and some caloric information in the menu. But it does very little to address the idea of portion control and nutritional choices being anything other than prescribed, and seems like a bad omen all around for $KO, $PEP, $YUM, $DRI and a smattering of ag companies… and really, if they start printing caloric info in a menu, you cannot possibly think I am going to dine out ever again. I will stick to my alley Doritos on the sly, because I am a believer in vice in moderation. Yes, I’m aware there is a bevy of evidence like option ARMs, consumer credit bubbles, expanding waistlines, etc, that suggest most people have been able to figure out the “vice” part, but not the “moderation,” but when my weekly Chipotle burrito is suddenly the size of a deck of cards, I am going to be all kinds of annoyed.

What do you think? Are our days of nomming on pork belly steeped in trans fats numbered because Timmy can’t stay out of the snack machine at his school?