Bad loans? We didn’t write no steenking bad loans. But, just assuming we did, we should’ve gotten a bailout!

Kerry Killinger, the former CEO of Washington Mutual, is testifying in Congress about bankfail, and swears the government never should have taken his bank away — but instead, they did nothing but point and laugh Nelson Muntz-style while the thrift was taken down by short sellers and then served to JPMorgan on a silver platter:

Kerry Killinger, the former boss of failed mortgage lender Washington Mutual, accused US policymakers of wrongly seizing the bank in 2008 and selling it at a “bargain price” of $1.9bn to JPMorgan. Mr Killinger told a congressional panel investigating the bank’s demise that the $300bn thrift was a victim – not a driver – of the financial crisis, having been intentionally excluded from hundreds of discussions in the frantic weeks before its sale between Wall Street executives and policy officials who “ultimately determined the winners and losers in this financial crisis,” the FT reports.

Killinger has further indicated he thinks the government prefers a banking system dominated by the big Wall Street names, and that his beleaguered Seattle-based institution regularly received messages in the last days of the crisis a) at 4am Pacific time, b) stating that “the only flannel we’re into is the kind Brooks Brothers makes into trousers” and c) suggestions were made that “maybe Pearl Jam can bail you guys out”.

JPMorgan, which just reported it raked in $3.3 billion or so in Q1, a 57% hike, could not be reached for comment, and we presume it’s because someone is handing out champagne over there and Jamie Dimon is throwing down like a boss.

Carl Levin, a senator from Michigan, wins the LOLFed Analogy Award this week, by the way; he referred to WaMu as a “securitization factory”. That is, the bank cranked out bad mortgages willy-nilly and assembly-line style then “built a conveyor belt to dump toxic mortgage assets into the financial system like a polluter dumping toxic substances into the river.” But, like that scene in I Love Lucy where Lucy and Ethel try to work in the chocolate factory and things go wrong, I guess WaMu ate some of the stuff it was supposed to send down the belt, too: