All eyes are upon the impressively-bouffanted Chris Dodd, as the lame-duck Senator unfurls his version of financial reform today. Dodd, who has in the past said such unflattering things about the Fed as “abysmal failure” and “smells like cheese,” is seeking to make amends with a belated Valentine’s Day present that rewards past absymal failure and cheese-smelling with vastly expanded powers.

First and foremost, the Fed would get to house a newly-created Consumer Financial Protection Bureau that would have pimp-hand status over many of the existing financial laws that are enforced by a metric buttload of agencies, as seen here. Not to fear, decisions made by that agency could be overturned by a supermajority vote by an also-new Financial Stability Oversight Council, on which the Fed holds a seat, in case you’re worried about the CFPB actually being able to get things done.

But after giving Ben that touching Hallmark card and box of Russel Stover chocolates, he broke out the big guns: a romantic dinner at The Olive Garden, by giving the Fed regulatory oversight of any bank holding company with assets greater than $50b. Not only that, but the FSOC can also vote to require non-bank financial companies (such as AIG) to be regulated by the Fed, on a case-by-case basis. The Chairman was reportedly quite verklempt at the news and plans to put out on their next date.

Edited by Alyx — Yeah I had to photoshop this one too: