Who was the big winner in the compensation game at Bank of America for 2009? Apparently it was Heidi Montag, who received nearly $30 million in cash, stock and plastic surgery. Oh, wait, sorry. I mean it was Thomas Montag, their president of global banking and markets who came over in the Merrill deal. I get it, he was probably sitting around in Charlotte with a dazed look on his face, thinking “I left Goldman Sachs for this?” and they felt like they had to do it, but still.

Some salaries announced yesterday:

Feb. 27 (Bloomberg) — Bank of America Corp. gave Thomas Montag a $29.9 million compensation package in 2009 for running its global banking and markets units and to fulfill promises made when Merrill Lynch & Co. hired him in 2008.

Montag, president of the unit that includes trading and investment banking, received more than the $6.51 million awarded to new Chief Executive Officer Brian Moynihan, according to a regulatory filing. Also yesterday, Citigroup Inc. said CEO Vikram Pandit was paid $125,001 for last year, reflecting compensation in the weeks before he voluntarily took a cut to $1 a year. Wells Fargo & Co. announced it had cut the 2010 base pay for most top executives.

“With regard to Bank of America, this is another example of pay for attendance rather than pay for performance,” Frank Glassner, CEO of Veritas Executive Compensation Consultants LLC in San Francisco, said in a phone interview.

We’re amused to see that the Bandit’s Dollar Menu Pledge didn’t mean that much after all, since he didn’t give back the salary he’d received before taking it.

And what of Kennay? The jury is out on what his effective total comp was, but Barrons succinctly sums it up by saying that probably, “Ken Lewis Made More Than You“:

Lewis, who stepped down Dec. 31, received zero base pay last year, and zero stock or options awards. Dow Jones Newswires this afternoon lists the nominal $4.21 million he made off of deferred comp, a pension adjustment, which you’ll find on page 46 of the proxy.

Associated Press’s Stevenson Jacobs comes up with a number of $32,171, apparently from adding up the various amounts of perks, including the $25,000 allotment for “other compensation” allowed under the TARP, with $23,998 spent on tax preparation and $1,002 on home security and parking.

And yet Dan Fitzpatrick with The Wall Street Journal offers a total of $83 million in “exit pay,” consisting of $57 million in eligible pension benefits, $11 million in deferred comp, and $4.6 million in vested and unvested stock. Oh, plus, a life insurance policy of $10.3 million.

Well, if it was only $32K, I totally had him whipped. Take that Kennay! But, um, if it was somewhere between $4.2-83 mil, yeah, not so much.