Here’s some news that should be of great comfort to those of you who are unemployed, which is all of you: JP Morgan Chase rolls a $3.6b Q3 profit.

As will be the case over and over as quarterly reports trickle out from other banks this week, credit cards and mortgages were fail while everything else was win. Jamie Dimon, the bank’s chairman and chief hustler released a statement which read, in its entirety, “Swagger swagger swagger, I’m tha king, all y’all bitches bow down.”