Wow, people really want to get their money back from Lehman! 9,763 claims as of September 11, per the NY Times. What kind of wacky people are trying to wring every last dime out of history’s greatest failure?

• New York City’s Department of Finance wants $626,999,222. And seventeen cents. Seems as if the company had been really shortchanging the city on its general corporate taxes since, oh, 1996. Who woulda thunk it?
• Giants Stadium filed a claim for $301,828,087.35 for derivatives contracts related to the construction of the House of Eli.
• Former company COO Joseph Gregory says he needs $232,999,548.71 for deferred compensation, because why not. When he left the company last June, his golden parachute included a metric boatload of stock, so now that the stock is worthless it makes perfect sense that he should get paid nine figures for getting fired from a company that effectively no longer exists.
• The Red Cross is going all corner grocery on them, wanting $160 to cover a bounced check for a match gift. The staggering sum includes a $10 bounced check fee.
• Most heartbreaking is Zee Medical Service, who has taken the time to file a claim for a desperately-needed $13.73, which includes $9.65 for a box of aspirin. Not sure who the aspirin is for; surely by those last days top management had moved onto mescaline to dull the pain.

So there you have it. Back taxes, a group who wants their gambling losses covered, a massive sense of entitlement, NSF fees, and a pill van. This is all that remains of a once-great firm. If you can prove you deserve to get paid as well, you still have until next Tuesday to submit a 200-word essay to federal bankruptcy court in Manhattan on what you would do with the money. Winners will be chosen by random drawing.