It’s September in America, which means a solemn anniversary is upon us, a day that irreversibly changed everything not only in this country, but around the world. I’m talking, of course, about the September 15th anniversary of Lehman’s collapse. Has it been a year? Why, the time just seems to fly, at least if you’re not former Lehman chief Dick Fuld who reveals all in a recent interview with Reuters.

“You don’t have a gun; that’s good.”

That was how Richard Fuld greeted a Reuters reporter who had tracked him down to his country house in a bucolic setting beside a river and amid tree-covered slopes in Ketchum, Idaho last Friday.

Really? Meeting with Dick Fuld and you didn’t bring a gun, even an unloaded one, just to see him squirm? Come on, Reuters! So Dick’s a-talking, and he’s a-saying things that…well, they make me squirm. Taking him at his literal word, not only did he actually get punched in the face, he starred in a German fetish porno:

“You know what? The anniversary’s coming up,” he said. “I’ve been pummeled, I’ve been dumped on, and it’s all going to happen again. I can handle it. You know what, let them line up.”

Ewwwww. Look, people. Punch him if you can (don’t actually punch him – Ed.). Threaten him with a toy gun if you must. But don’t poop on him. That’s just not sanitary.

“They’re looking for someone to dump on right now, and that’s me,” Fuld lamented and later added: “You know what they say? ‘This too shall pass.’”

No, Dick, I really don’t think this one is going to pass. Heck, it’s been nearly 2,000 years and still the image of Nero fiddling while Rome burned has endured. I’m pretty sure you’re still going to be the posterboy of fail for at least the rest of your years. But look on the bright side, you can afford to rock out in Ketchum, which is more than many of your former employees can claim, so life ain’t too bad, is it? Well, maybe.

“He got such negative press — they made him out to be this devil,” said one past associate. “So I think he’s embarrassed to be seen in public, afraid someone is going to throw a pie in his face.”

This sort of works two ways. I mean, I cannot even imagine what it would feel like to live in constant fear of someone literally throwing a pie in my face at any moment. How do you prepare for that, besides having all your suits Scotchguarded? But on the other hand, a pie in the face really isn’t all THAT bad, if that’s your worst concern. Being shoved in front of a bus sounds a lot worse than a pie in the face, unless you’re allergic to coconuts. Does Dick have any allergies? Someone get on that.

And at least he has things going on in life that warrant his walking down the street. Being sued all the time, by everyone, is no way to spend your forced retirement. While he has his legacy to worry about, there’s ultimately not much he can do on that front.

While Fuld has his defenders, Lawrence McDonald, a former Lehman vice president of distressed debt and convertible securities trading, who wrote a book about the Lehman collapse — “A Colossal Failure of Common Sense” — called him arrogant and irresponsible.

[...]

Speaking with the Reuters reporter the next day at the Salt Lake City airport, Fuld called McDonald’s book “absolutely slanderous,” adding: “You know, ‘Dick never left his office.’ Well, I left my office, I left my office plenty.”

Dick, it’s libel if it’s in print, unless maybe you had the audiobook version.

“I’m not a defeatist,” he said. “I do believe at the end of the day that the good guys do win. I do believe that.”

Well, you’re right about that last part. Welcome to the end of the day. I notice that you’re not winning.