So… Matt Taibbi has accused you of being the One Bank To Rule Them All, exploiting loopholes and keeping the government in your back pocket. You’ve done so much program trading that people think you’re that computer in WarGames playing tic tac toe with itself. Some guy has tried to steal your proprietary go-codes, with which you were, of course, planning to take over the world itself. You’ve gone *shazam* and turned yourself into a bank, then you’ve taken TARP money, supposedly with a gun to your head, flipped it into fast ca$h, and paid it back as fast as you could get the okay.

You are Goldman Sachs, and how do you top an act like that? By blowing away your earnings estimates, of course:

Goldman Sachs Group Inc. posted record earnings as revenue from trading and stock underwriting reached all-time highs less than a year after the firm took $10 billion in U.S. rescue funds.

Second-quarter net income was $3.44 billion, or $4.93 a share, the New York-based bank said today in a statement. That surpassed the $3.65 per-share average estimate of 22 analysts surveyed by Bloomberg and was 65 percent higher than last year’s second quarter.

They’re also – gasp – paying people, to the tune of $6.65 billion, with only a 1% cut in headcount.

JPM, C, and BAC are also on tap this week. We’re expecting similar swagger from Jamie Dimon and for the latter two to bring the lulz. Jamie, Ken, Bandit… please don’t let us down.