So yesterday, Chicago-based hedge fund Lake Shore Asset Management director Philip Baker was indicted on 27 counts of being a dick with other people’s money.

It alleges that between 2002 and September 2007, as a result of Baker’s fraudulent solicitations, he obtained about $312 million from more than 700 investors and misappropriated at least $30 million for his own use while incurring several million dollars in net trading losses.

About this time last year, the fund got itself in trouble with the Commodity Futures Trading Commission and was barred from selling commodities, for overstating earnings. But rather than, oh, give the CFTC the books it requested to verify the fund’s earnings, he did the opposite of that and hid them, possibly under the bed, which is why those 27 charges include obstruction of justice and criminal contempt.  What other fun things is he accused of?

– that the commodity pools generated positive returns since 1993 — including returns of more than 50 percent in one year — when it actually experienced millions of dollars in trading losses;

– that no management fee would be charged and participants would pay only a “profit incentive fee” if the pools generated profits, when in fact Baker charged more than $30 million in fees and converted millions in investor funds to his own use though the pools were not profitable; and

– that he co-founded Lake Shore in 1993, and it was regulated by U.S. authorities, when in fact he was not officially associated until January 2007. There are no allegations of wrongdoing involving Lake Shore Inc.

Hee! He’s like the guy you meet at the bar that says the Porsche out front is his when he actually took the bus, and he has no plan for what to do if you agree to go home with him and there is no Porsche outside at all. In fact, he did exactly what that guy would do: he fled. He is presently nowhere to be found.

$300m is couch change compared to some people, but he did get his Stanford on by running and hiding, so credit for that. Until he shows up in a couple of weeks all “Oh hai, herd u wuz lookin fr mee” I am going to entertain myself with notions that he ripped off the Chicago mob and he’s currently buried under third base at Wrigley Field.