Hypothetically, if a bunch of bank CEOs were to get together to play some pickup basketball, it sure sounds like Jamie Dimon would be dunking all over Vikram Bandit and John Thain and Lloyd Blankfein and whomever else decided to show up and get taken to school. Because, when the NBA wanted to know how their teams could make it through the financial crisis, Jamie Dimon got the nod and everyone else got benched:

Jamie Dimon outlined yesterday the U.S. recession and tattered financial landscape facing owners of the National Basketball Association’s 30 franchises.

The chief executive officer of JPMorgan Chase & Co., the second-largest U.S. bank by assets, spoke with NBA owners at the St. Regis Hotel in New York for more than an hour. NBA Commissioner David Stern called it a “far-ranging discussion with a person of enormous knowledge about every aspect of the economy.”

Like the rest of corporate America, NBA franchises are wrestling with a recession that’s caused the worst job losses in the postwar era and prompted corporate cutbacks. Stern, without being specific, said he’s forecasting a decline in league revenue next season.

“It was a very broad discussion that did not focus on sports,” Stern said. “We have a business that is affected by every aspect of the economy.”

It’s not surprising that NBA teams are having issues with lines of credit, leases, etc – these issues are plaguing most businesses, well-run or not. Probably kind of nice for Dimon to have a day out of the office, too.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, one of their analysts has been busy diagramming a large, heavy bus, with a number of banks thrown under it:

A report by JP Morgan analyst Matthew Jozoff is putting the spotlight back on the banks, where lately everything has been seen as rosy to quite rosy. Jozoff disagrees and in fact sees another $400 billion in losses as a result of the continuing credit deterioration, and very likely major new capital infusions needed… Among other things Jozoff points out is that banks will need to set aside an additional $215 billion in reserves against holdings of $2.1 trillion in residential loans not packaged into securities. As banks have taken only $85 billion in loss allowances as of Q4 2008, and Jozoff estimates the total expected residential losses at $300 billion (based on 12-16% losses on the total number mentioned above), banks will be hard pressed to fund this capital deficiency, especially now that each and every bank is rushing to repay the TARP that “it never needed in the first place.”

In other words, they’ve already written off tons of losses on their securities (mortgage-backed and otherwise), but prepare for another big round of writeoffs, these on actual LOANS that went bad. Oh, and as Jason wrote below related to BAC, expect credit card fail, too.

But, for now it looks like it’s all good in the hood at JPM. I’m waiting for a press release where Jamie Dimon paraphrases Mickey Avalon:

My bank – bigger than a bridge
Your bank look like a little kid’s
My bank – large like the Chargers, the whole team
Your bank got a market cap of $14

My bank need no introduction
Your bank don’t even function
My bank served a whole luncheon
Your bank – it look like a drive-in

My bank – is like super size
Your bank look like two fries
My bank – more mass than the Earth
Your bank- half staff, it needs work

My bank – been there done that
Your bank sits there with dunce cap
My bank – V.I.P.
Your bank needs I.D.

It’s time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your bank go
J.D. is the best in the business
P.S. we got capital like Jesus

[Disclaimer: no position in JPM. Usually I don't bother with the disclaimers but that's because usually I'm not actually being rosy.]