Drudge Report has a headline that we have found ourselves wishing is a joke:

The U.S. government is set to offer an online emotional rescue kit!

“Getting Through Tough Economic Times” will launch Tuesday with a media push across all platforms.

The site is meant to help people identify health concerns related to financial worries.

The feds will warn of depression, suicidal thinking and other serious mental illnesses. It will raise warning flags for: Persistent sadness/crying; Excessive anxiety; Lack of sleep/constant fatigue; Excessive irritability/anger.

The guide will be available starting at midnight at http://www.samhsa.gov/economy.

Site’s up early (I’m writing this at 10:30 Eastern) and it is painfully dry compared to the way Drudge built it up. I was expecting it at least to be illustrated! A sample:

Economic turmoil (e.g., increased unemployment, foreclosures, loss of investments and other financial distress) can result in a whole host of negative health effects – both physical and mental. It can be particularly devastating to your emotional and mental well-being. Although each of us is affected differently by economic troubles, these problems can add tremendous stress, which in turn can substantially increase the risk for developing such problems as: Depression/Anxiety/Compulsive Behaviors (over-eating, excessive gambling, spending, etc.)/Substance Abuse…

The irony of developing expensive habits – drugs, gorging on food, spending, gambling – as a response to first-world problems like “loss of investments” seems absolutely and completely lost. However, the site goes on to address some extremes, and suicide is a sensitive issue, so I don’t want to poke too much fun at this. In short, it’s only money, so please no one kill yourself.

We’re here to help, so feel free to reach out to us if you suffer from any or all of these symptoms: hoarding of canned SPAM and toilet paper; obsessive checking of portfolios, despite an all-cash allocation; desire to attend a neighbors’ “trade your gold jewelry for cash” party; recurring nightmares related to the country of Zimbabwe; weight gain, defended by a desire to become “too big to fail”;  a persistent urge to put captions on the faces of politicians and executives. Kumbaya.