Reason introduces the Personal Stimulus Generator, which sounds like it should be powered by two AA batteries but instead injects your own personal cash request into some miscellaneous section of the stimulus bill. Hey, I’ve got LOLFed hooked up:

For necessary and unnecessary expenses related to the Wireless and Broadband Deployment Grant Programs established by section 6002 of division B of this Act, $2,825,000,000, of which $1,000,000,000 shall be for Wireless Deployment Grants and $1,825,000,000 shall be for Broadband Deployment Grants: Provided, That an additional $15,000,000 shall be paid directly to LOLFed in the form of subsidized loans that do not require repayment. Provided Further, That the funds be used by LOLFed to attend a Vegas Junket or for whatever. Provided Even Further, That LOLFed will receive free UFC tickets for life. Provided Even Further Still, That LOLFed shall be treated as a cabinet-level appointment for the purpose of income tax reporting, and therefore no taxes shall be paid on any of the aformentioned benefits. And one more thing: Maxine Waters is hereby expelled from Congress, effective immediately upon enactment.

(h/t goes to Glossie for sending me this one! I owe her a finder’s fee of at least 3% when the stimulus checks start rolling in.)