Captain Obvious, please go to Room 109, we’ve got a patient who takes advice from his television waiting. Looks like you’re gonna need a bad clue-bat operation.

So yeah, you should really not be taking advice from any television program. However, some are probably worse than others. CB sent me a link today to Cracked’s “5 worst sources of advice on television,” two of which are related to financial fail. Cracked’s #1 choice is the euphoric “Flip This House,” a show I have been sporadically subjected to while on the elliptical at my gym.  The plotline: buy a house, remodel it (in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials) and resell for a massive return!

How could that plan possibly ever go wrong? We all know the fastest, most sure-fire way to make money is in real estate. Guaranteed never to fail.

Cracked’s #4 nominee (crammed inbetween VH1′s “Pickup Artist” and Maury Povich, which I would like to nominate as #1 Sandwich I Don’t Want To Be In Between) is everyone’s favorite CNBC darling Jim Cramer and his Happy Fun Time Hour.

They describe his show as follows:

Hedge fund managers, with millions of dollars riding on their investment positions and their compensation schemes tied to fund performance, are essentially in the business of dealing with pressure and we’re assuming they don’t deal with that pressure by flailing around the room and screeching out of their window.

Hey, maybe that’s what happened: the pressure got to him. So when Jim Cramer prattles off stock suggestions on Mad Money by shooting buckshot at a dictionary and gauging which three letters took the most damage, maybe it should be interpreted less as “professional investment advice” and more “one man’s personal descent into madness.”

Some of their other programming choices are pretty abysmal, but at least you won’t lose your shirt from watching Maury. A few brain cells, though, sure.