The Bandit’s new plan to bring Citigroup back to #1-bank-in-America status: can everyone. Citi is cutting about 50,000 employees across various divisions (and cutting other expenses 16-19% through undiscussed methods, probably involving a bring-your-own-pens rule and the elimination of hot cocoa in the breakroom):

While the cuts will come across the company, investment bankers are expected to bear the brunt of the loses because senior managers have been asked to reduce expenses significantly. But back-office functions, like the bank’s legal and human resources divisions, are also expected to be hard hit.

Okay, it makes sense to eliminate human resources if you don’t plan on having any employees. The i-bankers probably don’t have much to do either, what with C’s lack of capital to be investing. But your lawyers? Is that your way of saying you don’t plan to find anyone to acquire, ever, so you won’t have any work for them, or is this Vikram Bandit saying that he is perfectly okay with any of his non-qualified deferred comp being an unsecured liability under 409A and he won’t be trying to have anyone rework that before C goes BK? Oh, well, whatever. He claims to be trying to offload the jobs not through massive pink slipping but through selling off assets, so if you see a post in a few days that says “BLIND ITEM: 10,000 CORPORATE ATTORNEYS FOR SALE ON EBAY” you will know the answer is (for once) not Tinsley Mortimer but instead The Bandit.