In this terrible economy where banks, automakers and electronics peddlers alike are all failing, one company stands alone in its success: Walmart.  Yes, as Americans everywhere are having to abandon their scruples and boastful “I never shop at that terrible store” proclamations, Walmart’s unnaturally low prices are winning over impoverished consumers like hotcakes.  Whatever that means.

Quarterly profits for the unfeeling retailer of cheap imported goods rose a whopping 10% over last year as it continued receiving dividends on the sale of its corporate soul to Satan, and on electricity generated from the spinning corpse of Sam Walton.  The chain, who only wishes it could be half as awesome as competitors Target or Publix, also reported a net sales increase of 7.5% over one year earlier.  But the news is not all sunny for the slavedriving destroyers of the American manufacturing base: the company is expected to miss its earlier dividend projections by as much as six cents per share.  

Now through Sunday, you can buy a violin with which to play a sad song for them at your nearest Walmart, at a guaranteed low price of $69.95.