Basically, every retailer is going to be giving everything away during the holidays this year to a public who still can’t afford any of it.  Same-store sales for just about anyone you can name are off by double-digits compared to last year, when things were just “bad” (as opposed to this year’s numbers which are charitably described as “Hiroshiman”) which can only mean zany sales tactics.

Neiman Marcus, for example, responded by pioneering a brilliant strategy of putting things on sale right away, rather than when they need to get rid of them.  While this has had the unfortunate consequence of inviting filthy middle-class shoppers into their stores, NM’s rude and snooty sales staff has done an excellent job of keeping its floors cleansed of the great unwashed masses.  K-Mart, whose very existence remains a surprise every time I read about them, is proudly touting its longstanding layaway plan as a way for newly credit-strapped consumers to continue buying their children’s love with items they cannot afford. And Nordstrom is all about the double-points every day through the end of the year, an idea that would be much more successful were the points not tied to credit cards, which of course we have all had to burn for warmth in the trying times of this Great Recession.

I have just returned from points far away, including Colombia where I witnessed the future of American retail strategy.  No, not kidnapping a family member and demanding you purchase a flat-screen television if you ever want to see them again.  Circuit City is already doing that.  No, I mean aggressively peddling trinkets in the middle of everything: streets, historic monuments, churches, consummations.  By this time next year you won’t think twice about seeing a Saks sales associate in the middle of an intersection, slapping the windows of city buses trying to hawk DVFs for $30.